HEAD JUDGE ROB

The day of our local dog show was hot and sunny and Mars attracted a lot of interest amongst the crowd.    As admiring glances were thrown our way I think I can say I was pretty confident, his chocolate coat gleamed a rich deep brown and I could already imagine the red rosette clipped to his collar.

‘ALL SET FOR THE HANDSOMEST DOG COMPETITON’ came booming through the tannoy system.

‘ALL ENTRANTS TO MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE BOWLING GREEN'. 

 

Mars and I sandwiched ourselves in between  a German Shepherd and a Border  Collie. I tried to look indifferent, but secretly I was so proud of my boy.  The groomer had excelled herself.  His ruff and skirt were blow dried to perfection and as he walked I watched the sun pick out deep rich highlights in his long wavy ears. 

‘Attention everyone, attention please, let me introduce your judges.'

'Firstly I think we all know our Head Judge, ‘One man and his dog’ winner Rob Green, he will be ably assisted by our very own vet Michael Smith– oh sorry what’s that Rob'? The commentator paused.

Head Judge Rob made a sweeping movement with his arm, followed by an arresting hand gesture.

The commentary continued 

'Right everyone.  Listen up.  Head Judge Rob has indicated as we have over 40 male dogs in a tight space, it will be impossible for you all to parade round.  So please stay where you are and the judges will come and talk to you one by one'.

The judges made their way  around the ring.  It was clear who the decision maker was, Head Judge Rob felt the dogs over, pointed things out to Michael and appeared to expect him to glean from his gestures his thoughts on each dog. I don’t feel Michael was as adept as picking up Head Judge Rob's cues as a sheep dog would be, but it was the only way - Head Judge Rob was a silent man.

Finally they were standing in front of us.  Mar’s moment had arrived.

Head Judge Rob stood back and slowly examined my boy. 

Mars stood steadfast as a firm hand ran over him. 

‘That’s a good looking dog’ enthused Michael, as they walked away. His was met with silence.

As Head Judge Rob strode forward  Michael tried again. 

‘That spaniel was a looker, shall I mark him down?’

Head Judge Rob turned around thoughtfully. His mouth began working as if speech was unaccustomed to him, but the promise of a verbal exchange had caught the attention of the whole ring and they waited with anticipation for him to speak.

Finally to an enthralled crowd he spoke these five words.

‘TOO SHOWY FOR THESE PARTS’.

OK.  So if we didn't eat lamb there wouldn't be any.  The countryside would be a bleaker place.  But they have found a place in my heart,  I love meat, but have always limited it to farmed stock and have avoided duck, venison etc.  That seemed a good compromise. Nothing used to be tastier than Spring lamb.  But now I live in the country and walk daily though England's green and pleasant land. I watch the ewes with their swollen bellies.  I watch their babies, singles, twins and even triplets.  I watch the lambs grow.  Even Mars makes friends with them.  I watch them go to market.  Buck up I told myself as my husband came home with a lusty leg of lamb.  Get it in the oven, stop imagining it with fur on it, running around.  So I did just about cook it.  And watched my family enjoy it.   But I made do with vegetables.

A good buy

SO MUCH FOR OUR GUARANTEED SQUIRREL PROOF BIRD FEEDER.............

Mine's better than yours

Mars is very handsome.  Admired by many.  So much in fact that my lovely dog sitter asked if she could have his photo.  Now it sits in pride of place on her kitchen dresser.  Her next door neighbour also owns a dog.  Pleasant but not a looker.  She recently visited the said kitchen and spotted Mar's photo on the side.  She looked but did not speak.  Two days later my dog sitter found a small brown parcel on her doorstep.  Intrigued she opened it.  Only to find a framed photo of ugly mutt inside.  She felt obliged to put the photo next to that of Mars.  Next time the neighbour came over her eyes slewed round the check out the dresser.  She looked.  She did not speak.  But she smiled.

Oh deer

We planted a fine row of roses at the front of the house and similarly in the back garden.  In front of the house are an abundance of yellow blooms.  But in the back not a flower in sight.  My husband is rather keen on pruning so how easy to lay the blame at his feet.  Although he denied it he kept on doing it.  Yesterday evening I glanced out of the window and was very thrilled to see an impressive Roe deer in the garden.  How wonderful `I enthused to the children.  We all watched entranced as it bent it's head and delicately nibbled the newly sprouting buds on our rose bushes.  I suppose I'll have to apologise to the old man.

It can't be that hard.

It can't be that hard.  Everyone round here knocks them up overnight.  They abound at every event. Always so well received their appearance runs as an enduring background to village life.   But here things go a bit wrong.  My mother, now she certainly had the knack, my children remember her offerings with delight and now a granny myself I am asked to re-create that deliciousness. Yes, they want a cake. A mouth watering chocolate delight. And not any old cake, but a birthday cake for my soon to be 5 year old grand-daughter. I do wish the baking gene hadn't passed me by.  But it can't be that hard.  I think I'lll do a trial run.

With the oven heated, two sandwich tins lined and greased, ingredients carefully weighed, an electric blender poised for action I refer to Mary Berry at every step. I'm going for a traditional Victoria Sponge - the chocolate variety. Mary says I can't go wrong. And basically I think things begin rather well.  I blend (or rather the machine blends) the basic ingredients and the resulting mix tastes so delicious I am tempted to just eat it and be done with the whole cake thing. But I think of my grand-daughter and plough on.   It all seems pretty easy and I casually spread the mix across the two tins and put them into the oven.  I'm feeling pretty confident after Mary's encouragement.

After about 25 minutes I do a quick check and am somewhat surprised to see that my cake doesn't match the photos in Mary's book.

I pull it out quickly and let it cool.  I try to even up one of the rather alarming mounds growing out of the tins and decide at this stage, rather than attempt a buttercream filling to take the sensible option and just spread a generous layer of jam across one half before sandwiching the two parts together.

I took a tentative bite.  IT IS DISGUSTING. Like an old sold lump of clay.

ERRORS
I didn't let enough air get into the cake mix, hence it's unattractive sturdiness.
I heaped the cake mix into the tins and didn't spread it right into the edges, hence it rose up into awesome hillocks in the centre of each tin.
I had the oven too hot and hence an ugly fissure appeared across the centre of each hillock.
I used an old fruity jam forgetting it was a chocolate and not a plain sponge hence it tasted vile.

I think I'l do another trial run next week.  It can't be that hard.

Mars on national TV - well almost

If you lazed on your sofa and watched The One Show yesterday you will have seen a piece about 'The Human Arrow'.  Mars and I were part of it. How it happened - We joined a lovely local group of people - 30 or so on a sunny Good Friday Easter Egg hunt.  Dogs running delightedly as we ambled through woods and across fields.  But the peace was spoilt  by the loud whirring of a large black helicopter almost overhead.  It appeared to be following us and for about 20 minutes hovered scarily close.  Then, suddenly, out of nowhere two figures  erupted out of the woods, spilt up and sped crazily across the furrowed field in front of us. 'They're on the run' someone shouted and we waved furiously at the helicopter.  It didn't see us. BUT within a flash our brilliant children raced onto the field, lay on the ground - 12 of them - and formed a human arrow.  And the pilot saw.  They followed the arrow and the first man was picked up.  He was one of two men  (who they also arrested) that had broken into and burgled a local brickworks.  Well done kids!  Here is the photo I took of the helicopter as it landed before the police came over to talk to us.  However, Mars was with me throughout and I feel The One Show missed a trick when they screened a reconstruction of the event depicting a small furry type of dog - they could have used my gorgeous boy!